So here’s me blogging about why I don’t blog about a certain thing. How ironic.
This title also isn’t strictly true, I have blogged about my chronic illness before. Just on a more practical level, rather than an emotional level. But I’ve had this post sat in my drafts for a while now. So here’s 1:45am Emily here to finally get personal and write it.
Around this time marks the time I got sick with ME. Which was 4 years ago now – happy anniversary to me I guess? But it had me thinking about what’s changed – the good the bad and the ugly and all that. And it had come to my attention how I don’t blog about my chronic illness or even my mental health for that matter. And will I ever?
Feeling quite perturbed I quickly took to my planner and mind mapped mental health and chronic illness related post ideas. Because, surely when I have an audience, no matter how small, It’s my duty to speak up about these things when I’m standing on the front line? Right?
Nothing came to mind. Yes I jotted down some obvious ones – my story, how I cope and how to work on yourself mentally and physically. But I felt like I’d be cheating everyone reading. Because I’m still working on myself and my illess. I’m adjusting and the majority of the first year of me being ill is literally blocked out of my memory. The queen GraceFit has addressed why she won’t talk about her ptsd – which she simply said she wants to keep it personal as it’s still a big factor in her day to day life. And I couldn’t say it better myself. And although they’d have good intentions and may be helpful. They’d still be half arsed posts from someone who needs to listen to the advice before acting like a self help guru.
I also remembered why I started this little blog of mine. And, weirdly enough, it was because of my illness. I was housebound and bored so decided to give it a go. However, I wanted to blog to forget about my illness.
You see, my whole life has been all about performing. West End was my goal and I had worked hard to get there. However when this all came around, as much as I tried to keep going. And slowly but surely the idea of being a performer was a bit frazzled. So much so at the beginning of this year I had to leave drama school. So blogging was always like my alter-ego. I could just be Em and crack bad puns whilst talking about anything and everything and I didn’t have to worry about my illness getting in the way. It was what I could put myself into when I was stuck in bed. And nobody had to witness it.
And so ultimately I felt by blogging about this chronic illness, I’d become seen as this ‘ill person’ once again. Don’t get me wrong, I highly respect anyone who can put themselves out there and be this vulnerable to help make change. Its certainly helped me massively, giving me a sense of community and support. It’s one of the bravest things and to speak up is so so important. I just can’t do that myself. Also because I’m very bad at writing ‘serious’ blog post. Just this one has taken 3 or 4 attempts.
Am I making sense? Anyway, this pretty much wraps it up for now. As I’ve had some questions about why I don’t talk about my illness. And a few ‘you can’t be a part of the chronic illness community if you don’t blog about it’. Anyway – I’m grateful for the lovely spoonie bloggers I’ve met, I’m just not someone who can talk about stuff like that. However, there are a few practical matters I’ve wanted to talk about regarding chronic illnesses. Such as work and budgeting – so saying that I will be doing some guest posts on other people’s blogs about said topics. So watch this space.